Yesterday, in a page: 01/06

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Note: I’ve found that I don’t mind when I am consumed by creating content daily and going out. Granted, it did give me a lot of work to make up for on Sunday night, but I still feel fulfilled. I hope reality doesn’t slap me in the face when school comes along and I’m consumed by school requirements instead.

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I don’t know if this is a good thing. | | Yesterday, in a page: 01/04.

Being off-key didn’t stop me from belting out Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now until my throat was sore in the karaoke, and my friends sounding like they were reciting the lyrics instead of singing them didn’t stop me from cheering like a crazed groupie. I had the same, childish glee getting arcade tickets, and I reveled in the harsh lights of the city at night walking home. Then, I reached a certain point when I knew the day was about to end, and I was already looking back at the present moment, drinking all the details in, trying to immortalize the present into a good, vivid memory to look back on.

I found myself doing the same thing now, when I’m just on my phone late at night, surrounded by my journals and books. Sometimes, I just look up, staring blankly into space, and I feel timeless. I am myself, now, a person in this date and time and exact place; someone my past self was working towards, someone my future self will look back on.

I find myself feeling nostalgic for the present.

Today in a page: 01/02.

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This type of project has been in my mind for a while now, and I’m finally starting it. It’s nothing more than browsing the newspaper and cutting out the daily headlines, as well as other information I’d like, and pasting it onto a spread of my notebook. In the picture, a corner of the piece of paper with the film and book I finished today can be seen. I plan to chronicle current events and details of my personal life, too, for 2019.

There’s a piece of an article by Ambeth Ocampo there. The whole piece talked about going into the future with the past in mind and heart. History, he says, is not about forgetting, but remembering.

We are making history. Throughout my whole life, I’ve felt this urgency to drink in the moment and to somehow preserve it in my head. The seconds are are so precious and yet so fleeting. But memory is fickle and often a traitor, so to help me remember, I turned to writing. I turned to taking pictures. I’ve been memorializing every bit of life that I can.

This project is just an extension of that. I want to be able to turn the pages, and remember who I was and what had happened around me. I want to see history cut and pasted and written onto pages.

How do you make history?

 

Raindrops

The rain does not want to stop falling.

It’s relentless. From the breaks of dawn to the hazy sunsets, it comes in the forms of both light drizzle and angry torrents. The streets are perpetually wet, and I perpetually cold; my feet muddy and slipping on the pavement much more than I’d like to admit. In the neighborhood, we all have weary eyes looking up at the sky and our lips form the same dejected comments. We put on our raincoats, carry our umbrellas, slide our screens shut in the face of bugs seeking shelter, don warm clothing and pile up the blankets over our shivering bodies. We wait to wake to a bright morning, instead of a persistent haze of grey.

All that is left to do, it seems, is to cope.

•••

This fact has held true throught my existence of a whole 18 years. It’s not a very long time compared to, well, the rest of the world, but it just so happens that my birthday is dabsmack on the start of the rainy season in the Philippines – the perfect weather for mulling over your years. It just so happens that this year, I was not in the mood to celebrate, and it just so happens that turning eighteen is considered important, and I feel like I’m obligated to make some realizations.

It just so happens that rain is the perfect metaphor.

It’s a cheesy one, but it applies.

One of my long-running mistakes is assuming that happiness should be the default. It’s the standard. If you’re not happy, what are you doing with your life? You must have done something wrong; you’re doing something wrong. You’re hindering yourself. Take charge of your life; speak it into action to the universe; don’t you know the Law of Attraction? Think positively. Be better. The problem lies within you, not the world you keep blaming.

I think I’ve forgotten we’re still human. I’ve forgotten there are things outside our control. I’ve forgotten that I cannot keep the sun from rising and setting, nor hiding away, tucked in the dark clouds of a thunderstorm.

There is nothing I can do about the rain, except grabbing an umbrella and wrapping yourself in raincoats and sloshing around puddles of mud in boots; making hot chocolate and falling asleep as the raindrops thud harder against the roofs.

All that’s left to do, it seems, is cope.